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You Should Only Be Allowed To Watch Porn Starring People Your Age

Nihar Patel


Two plus years into the pandemic, and we’re all struggling with basic interactions we once took for granted. Small talk, casual flirting, light touching - these crucial steps on the road to intimacy are now harder to initiate. It’s left a massive deficit in our nation’s strategic sex reserve. Alas, pornography has filled that hole.

In between this pandemic winding down, and an even dumber future pandemic beginning, humanity has a short window to get back to the old ways. To ease, or lubricate, that tricky readjustment, pornography should come with a new restriction: you can only watch if it’s starring people your own age.


First, this would set realistic expectations on the kind of person your sad, decomposing body should be aroused by. You will embrace the proper self-loathing that comes with aging itself, and not be buoyed by some unfounded hope that younger adults having sex has anything to do with your life now. You should banish the very thought of it even happening. And if you happen to be one of these younger adults - you should be MAKING pornography, and sharing it

exclusively with your friends, or pod. Use it or lose it.


Second, this rule would not apply to performers who are not actively participating in the sex. Functionally, this provision has no impact, for obvious budgetary and creative realities. But it offers an exemption to professionals who are simply day players or background talent. MILF characters often have sons who disappear early in the narrative, leaving story arcs frustratingly unresolved; those sons should not have their livelihoods impacted.


MILFs will also now only have sex with FILFs, which ordinarily would not perhaps be as

intriguing as a MILF with a stepson. However, under the new restriction, the stepson can still

appreciate the MILF, or the stepdaughter her stepdad, for the other, non-sexual qualities the

older figure adds to their life. This would in turn strengthen the domestic family unit within the

universe of pornographic storytelling. True, this would prevent a Brady Bunch-esque orgy

between a MILF, FILF, stepson, and stepdaughter from being produced. But perhaps that is best

left to our imaginations anyway.


Finally, a word about implementation. There are already verification pop-ups on popular

pornography websites, so this would simply be an extension of those. This section is more

addressed to any corporate or industry concerns. I want this to be a ‘we’ solution.


By now you might be wondering how much time I’ve devoted to thinking about this. Clearly, I

have some kind of issues myself. Well, it’s none of your business, frankly. You seem like you

have issues for wondering about it. How did it feel to hear that? Not good, right?


This is typically when you might reach for your phone, tablet, or an analog media receptacle for

pornography. To feel good again. If so, do yourself a favor, watch someone your own age.

Accepting your own mortality is the best feeling in the world.


If you enjoyed today’s moot, follow Nihar Patel on Twitter. If you are feeling generous, consider donating to the Alzheimer's Association, Nihar’s charity of choice.

*For each moot, we generate a cover image using  DALL·E, an AI art platform that generates images using natural language processing. This image on the right was generated using the title, 'You Should Only Be Allowed To Watch Porn Starring People Your Age' in the style of Lucian Freud, the Nihar's artist of choice.*

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