We’re all thinking it—bikers suck. And no, I’m not talking about leather-clad old white men with stringy beards and skull tattoos on their upper forearms. Those dudes are a welcome comparison to the dregs of society that I’m referring to. I’m talking about cyclists. Tight shorts wearing, helmet-toting, butt-padded bike riders who have no concept of space or time or other people existing in the world. 

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They ride in packs. They take up space. They endanger the lives of everyone around them under the guise of “taking care of their bodies.” I’m sick of them and think they need to be stopped before more innocent lives are jeopardized due to their lack of concern for other humans and their refusal to use the bike lane that was created for their safety and the safety of others.

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Think I’m being too harsh? Bicycling is a healthy pastime, you might think. It builds a sense of community. It’s an eco-friendly way to exercise. While all of this may be true, I also want you to consider the fact that once someone becomes a cyclist, an unearthly sense of entitlement takes over their mind and soul. Tax payers pay good money to ensure that bike lanes exist, that they are visible and accessible. You’d think cyclists would be grateful for them, would want to use the lane that was created specifically to meet their needs? Nope.

 

Bikers would rather drive directly in front of you on your morning commute. They would rather force you to drive 20 miles under the speed limit, would rather have you risk your life and the lives of the people in the oncoming traffic lane in an attempt to pass them. They are sadists that get a sick pleasure out of making drivers suffer. They want you to curse at them even though they can’t hear you. They want you to curse at yourself with your windows rolled up. They want to interrupt your Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young jam and replace it with a feeling of utter disorientation, exhaustion, and helplessness. They want you to be so anxious and so tightly wound while trying to pass them that you get in an accident that results in a catastrophic injury while they jingle their bells and ride off into the sunset, unscathed.

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Maybe their parents never taught them how to ride a bike because they were always working. Maybe their training wheels didn’t come off until the 6th grade, and they are reclaiming their sense of self-empowerment by changing the narrative and bullying innocent people. I’m not here to psychoanalyze how and why they became the menaces to society that they are. I’m just here to say that for the betterment of us all, cyclists need to be stopped, and they need to be stopped now.

 

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