White Claws Still Taste Good If You Are Over 30
Today, I tried a White Claw at a barbeque and my eyebrows raised and I did a small head nod. The words, “not bad” came out of my mouth. I am a lady in her late thirties with a son, riddled with student debt, so do I fit the demographic? Maybe? Do I like to drink a Starbucks and peruse the seasonal bargain isle in Target, fuck yeah I do. But, White Claw?
I’ve been to Ireland and Scotland. I drank whisky and beer. In a factory. Where it was made. On past nights of drinking, my go-to has been a whisky sour. I looked the bartender straight in his tattooed sleeved face and I say, “whisk-ey so-ur”. But today, today was not that day. It was hot and I was standing in a field that was reserved for a neighbor’s child’s birthday party. There was an unidentifiable cartoon dog, many dogs actually that garnished the picnic tables with various poses and sassy sayings. There were cake pops and copious amounts of boxed juices for the kids. There was a soundtrack of late 90’s rap to announce that the adults are in charge in here. But are you, though? Because the birthday child’s dad walked over to me in flip flops and Ray bans and he said, “Want one of these?”
I would like to say that I am not a snob when it comes to alcoholic beverages, but when White Claw came out, I thought, maybe drink something else? Maybe not a white wine spritzer in a can? We all remember that Simpsons when Ned goes to Vegas right? Well, you should. Anyways, I know that there is great popularity in this beverage and many others have followed suit. It is abundant at baby showers, backyard barbeques and now tailgates. Probably, I haven’t
been to a tailgate since I have had a child, but I imagine the youths are out there sucking these things down, shot gunning, if you will.
But I viewed this beverage as a wine cooler. Is it a wine cooler? It probably is. Is this making you a little upset? How does she write about something she knows so little about? Who would do that? No one would do that. No one would share an opinion about something that they don’t wholly and truthfully know about. Perhaps I can search for some empirical texts,
something peer reviewed on the origins of this drink and maybe the process for creating it is very specific and maybe even there is an artistry to it. Ooh, yes, like wine. Like when you would have wine in a wine cooler.
Anyways, I liked the beverage very much. I liked that I didn’t feel bloated or heavy, and I enjoyed the delightfully fruity taste that went with it. You know, the thing that someone would drink, and we all know this person, that would say, “Oh, this is dangerous!” It’s not. But, you know what. I’m that person, now.
If you enjoyed today’s moot, consider donating to Baby 2 Baby, Jackie’s charity of choice.
*For each moot, we generate a cover image using DALL·E, an AI art platform that generates images using natural language processing. This image on the right was generated using the title, 'White Claws Still Taste Good If You Are Over 30' in the style of Édouard Manet, the Jackie's artist of choice.*