Of all the myths and falsehoods society has convinced us, perhaps the most pervasive is that we should wash our hands after urinating. I’ve endured years of persecution for not washing my hands after peeing- I’ve been reprimanded by my mother, I’ve been lambasted by my girlfriend, and I’ve received enough hairy eyeballs from other bathroom-goers to undo the damage done by Hammurabi. A cursory examination of an average person on an average day will reveal how silly the post-pee hand wash is (I will use a man for this example, though I suspect this argument also extends to women).

 

An average man wakes up in the morning and showers before work. He is late for work so he only has time to hit the big three: face, armpits, penis. I’ll note that his hands have also inadvertently become clean from holding the bar of soap and applying it to the big three. Pay close attention to the phallus and the hands. Both are clean at this point. He gets dressed, covering his now clean johnson in two layers of protective clothing.

 

Then he goes to work. He hails a cab and opens it with his hands. He gets to the office and opens the door with his hands. He heads to the elevator and presses the buttons with his hands. He sees a beautiful girl running towards the elevator and holds the door open with his hands. The girl enters and he does not have the courage to talk to her. He wishes he was better with women. He hasn’t felt the touch of another human for two years now. He arrives at his desk and pulls out papers from his briefcase with his hands. Then he types away for several hours with his hands. Finally, he needs to go to the bathroom (on account of the water he drank, acquired from the water fountain which he operated with his hands).

 

He heads to the bathroom and unzips his fly. He pulls out his pristine, shining cock- a cock that, if we remember, has not seen the light of day since the time it was washed and stowed away. He takes his filthy, germ infested hands and puts them on his glowing member, tilts his head back, and releases. Then, our man rushes to the sink in a frivolous frenzy to wash his hands. Why? Why does he do this?

 

He does this because he believes that his pecker – the one that hasn’t touched anything but the inside of his boxers (and his leg, if he is well endowed) – has dirtied his hands – the ones that have touched doorknobs, elevator buttons, keyboards, and a water fountain since they were last cleaned. The reality, of course, is that his hands are the germ infested culprits, his peter the victim! We’ve been led to believe that our private parts are inherently dirty- maybe even the dirtiest part of our body- when in reality they are probably the cleanest.

 

So where does that leave us? It leaves us with two options: one, we wash our hands before peeing in an attempt to protect our willies from the onslaught of germs brought on by our skin mittens. Two, we wash our private parts in the sink after peeing . I’ve tried both of these methods. I have been banned from several establishments in the Tri-state area. 

 

If you enjoyed today’s moot, consider donating to The American Cancer Society, Paul’s charity of choice.