Screw the Environment! The Real Reasons to Drive a Prius
Have you ever seen a Prius pulled over by law enforcement?
We may as well ask if you’ve ever seen a Sasquatch parallel parking a winged unicorn outside a vegan ice cream parlor. (And Los Angeles doesn’t count.)
When the Prius Driver spots a patrol car lurking next to the highway, he floors it, with relish. The vehicle exceeds well beyond the speed limit. (Warning: This may require an extreme downhill incline depending on headwinds.) The highway patrolperson’s helmeted head swivels between the hybrid and the radar gun’s readout, again and again and again. His lizard brain tells him he is witnessing the impossible. The cognitive dissonance is overwhelming. The confused civil servant slaps the radar gun. It’s obviously malfunctioning.
DUI Checkpoints? The Prius Driver brazenly weaves through those orange cones, even flattens a few, no matter how many sheets to the wind he may be. One glimpse of the unthreatening, asexual, aerodynamic curves of that flimsy fiberglass frame, and the peace officer furiously waves you through his trap. Reverse profiling is alive and well. Prius Owners are petitioning for a drive-thru window at TSA checkpoints.
Prius Privilege extends to the other side of the law.Dismantle that car alarm. No self-respecting teenager would consider taking a Prius for a joyride. And professional car thieves do have their pride. There was a report of a Prius allegedly being vandalized several years ago. Its license plate was stolen. The part of the car with the highest street value.
The Environmental Entitlement extends to the workplace. Many friendly neighborhood corporations have so-called, Green Initiatives. Rebates are offered to corporate citizens who purchase hybrid vehicles. Straight cash, homey. But Hybridhood’s perk of perks is the coveted preferential parking spot. There’s nothing quite like watching a Vice President of Synergistic Strategic Synergy Solutions and Wellness leer at your parking spot like a panting deviant.
Societal benefits of Priusness are everywhere. MILFs in yoga pants smile at you in the Whole Foods parking lot. Bruisers at your Mixed Martials Arts gym mistake you for a soy boy. The mere sight of the vehicle lulls them into a false sense of security before they are shocked and dismayed by any body strength or testosterone you might posses. Valets treat you like I might just be somebody. DiCaprio drives a one!
The Prius provides total Virtuistic Immunity. Drive as fast, or as slow, as you want. Have a drink while you’re texting behind the wheel. Never lock your doors. Hell, leave them open. Your houseless neighbors would never suffer the discomfort of those seats. Delete Tinder. Just display your key fob, and potential mates will flock to you. After all, you are saving the polar bears! Prius: The best virtue-signaling a 60-month loan can buy.
Whatever you do, never ever drive in the bike lane.
*For each moot, we generate a cover image using DALL·E, an AI art platform that generates images using natural language processing. This image on the right was generated using the title, 'Screw the Environment! The Real Reasons to Drive a Prius' in the style of Takashi Murakami, Robert's artist of choice.*