First you'll need a particular type of rice, so that’s a trip to the grocery store. And with gas prices, start adding up how much this freaking dish is going to cost. Ride a bike? How about you try not to get hit and die. I can't believe you were just prepared to die for this.

 

So, now the recipe calls for stock. Tack on a full day's prep work, because I know you're not going to buy stock. (You're the kind of person who will spend all summer obsessively checking on your cherry tomatoes, the entire harvest of which will ultimately end their sad potted journey in one of your salads. The award for least effective farmer goes to you. It's called privilege.)

 

Stir the rice for the entire time it takes for each grain to cook, adding small amounts of stock to coax all of the starch out of the grains. Apparently, this will impart the dish with a creamy mouth feel. You want creamy mouth feel? Blow a horse. 

 

Great, now you have a lump of rice. Of course you need to add cheese, there's no flavor. So basically you made something for cheese to melt into. You've been listening to melancholic indie music and are four glasses into some natural wine. I hope your date ghosts you. If you get laid tonight there is no God.

 

OR: cook rice in a pot with a lot of water for a long time. Walk away and forget about it. Be a real person living in the real world. It’s called porridge.

 

Not only is risotto not worth it, people who believe that it is worth it have smaller brains; either that or they've been brainwashed by the risotto industry. If you are a chef or well-rounded foodie and you think you caught me in a mistake, a kind of "gotcha" moment where the writer of this is obliterated, please go tell your sycophants.

 

Nothing you can say will make me change my mind. I win this risotto debate. Maybe you should get hit by a car and die alone with your perfectly cooked risotto. I have saved time and effort, pierced through the facade of your dreams, and now I can take my porridge to the grave.

 

If you enjoyed today’s moot, consider donating to Planned Parenthood, Jimmy’s charity of choice.