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Pickleball Is The Worst

Terry Heyman

Pickleball is the fastest growing sport in the United States with nearly five million players and is booming across Europe and England. Which is precisely why you should avoid playing it at all costs. It's a terrible game that will destroy any sense of individuality. Do I base this opinion on my years of playing pickleball? Nope. Never played it. But I’ve listened to my friends yap about it enough to know that it’s not for me. Because I’m not a sheep. 


For those lucky enough to be unfamiliar with the game, pickleball is often described as a marriage between tennis and ping-pong. An unholy marriage that needs to end in divorce. Ping-pong is best enjoyed in dark, dank, wood-paneled basements while 70s classic rock wafts into your soul. What vulgarian decided to move it outside into the fresh air and nix the table? It was perfect the way it was. To say pickleball is like tennis is an insult to tennis. Tennis balls travel over 100 mph. Pickleball is what happens to tennis when zombies try to play.  


Fans of pickleball like to tout its benefits claiming it's an easy sport to learn with an uncomplicated scoring system. You know who likes an easy game? Geriatrics. I like my sports like I like my men, hard. The number one reason we play sports as adults is to show-off our athletic prowess and make our friends feel bad about themselves. Which would you rather post: “I just finished the New York City Marathon in under three hours” or “I played pickleball in my driveway like a loser?” 


I get why the sport became so popular during Covid. It was a fun way to be with other people while social distancing. But Covid is over and now so should pickleball. Hollywood celebrities are obsessed with the game, isn’t that reason enough? 


You must resist. When friends urge me to sample the sweet nectar of pickleball, I answer, “Sure, just as soon as my personality is obliterated by the incessant drone of modern life telling me I should do shit I don’t want to do, so I can fit in with people I don’t like, until I no longer recognize myself.


Put down the paddle and keep this game in the senior living communities where it belongs. Ultimately it comes down to whether you’re a leader or a follower. I’m a trailblazer myself which is why I’ve taken up the exhilarating sport of toe-wrestling. My opponent and I face off, lock toes, and attempt to pin each other’s foot down. I highly recommend it. 


If you enjoyed today’s moot, follow Terry on Instagram and check out her website. If you are feeling generous, consider giving to Planned Parenthood, Terry’s charity of choice.

*For each moot, we generate a cover image using  DALL·E, an AI art platform that generates images using natural language processing. This image on the right was generated using the title, 'Pickleball Is The Worst' in the style of Maira Kalman, Terry's artist of choice.*

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DALL·E 2023-01-02 11.29.45 - a game of pickleball in the style of maira kalman.png

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