People who prefer vanilla ice cream are the absolute worst. I don’t believe they should be physically harmed or shunned, but I do think they’re dullards incapable of meaningful interpersonal relationships.

 

It’s not that vanilla ice cream is disgusting. It is perfectly palatable, like wheat bread or lukewarm drinking water. It’s the preference that’s the problem. It represents an inability for critical thinking. It’s saying to the world, “I can’t be bothered to have an opinion.” Such people have largely given up.

 

An exception to this decree is when only one other ice cream flavor is available—like at a child’s birthday party or in the hospital. When just two choices are proffered, it is reasonable that someone may dislike the other flavor enough to grudgingly settle for vanilla. But when three flavors are presented—vanilla, chocolate and strawberry, for instance—there is no excuse for choosing vanilla. It is statistically impossible to prefer vanilla ice cream over any two other flavors. A person who does is at best morally bankrupt and quite possibly psychopathic. 

 

The problem is most pronounced when someone chooses vanilla ice cream while other options abound. If the person you are with at an ice cream shop orders a single scoop of vanilla in a cup, leave immediately. This is evidence of a particularly pernicious form of myopic apathy.

If you are the kind of reader who prefers scientific evidence, consider this: vanilla is synonymous with plain. It’s the unseasoned baked chicken breast of frozen desserts. Vanilla is white, and we all know that white things are bland, or worse. Look at Charles Manson. He was white.

 

So if you are unsure of whether a relationship is worth saving, or if you’re pondering marriage, or if you are considering upgrading a casual acquaintance to friendship, take them out for ice cream. If they order vanilla, tell them you left your wallet in the car and then drive away. If you walked, feign illness and ask them to call an ambulance. Then go to the bathroom and pry open the window, climb out and flee. If there is no window, simply stay in the bathroom making retching noises until they break up with you.

​

If you enjoyed today’s moot, check out William’s website and Substack. If you are feeling generous, please consider donating to The Pulmonary Fibrosis Foundation, William’s charity of choice.