The “Irish Goodbye” is slang for leaving a party or a date without saying goodbye. One of my friends introduced me to it and then later, as we were walking away, he said, “Irish,” and got in his car.

 

I thought hey, that takes guts, to say “Irish” and then get in your car. And yet it wasn’t fully Irish. And yet wouldn’t that be funny, if someone attempting an Irish Goodbye stood in the middle of the living room of a party and screamed, “Irish!” before exiting?

 

Similarly, how many times have you been party to this shitshow:  you call a restaurant to make a reservation, they take the reservation, mission accomplished. And yet… you have no idea how to end the call.

 

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

“Very good.”

“Thanks for calling.”

“No problem.”

Pause.

“Thank you.”

“Call—”

“I’ll—”

Pause.

“Go ahead.”

“I was going to say, call any time if you have questions.”

“Oh. Thank you!”

“Or to make another reservation, you know, somewhere down the line.”

“Thanks.”

“No problem.”

“Okay.”

“Take care now.”

“You too.”

“Thanks a lot.”

 

—But somehow this isn’t it!—

 

 “Buh—”

  “Have a good one.”

 “You, too.”

 

And at this point, if I’m courageous, I hang up right here, often just as the other person is saying, “Buh-bye.” Usually I catch them at the buh, and then, boop, they’re gone. And here’s the thing: I feel terribly rude about it—and a little like Don Draper.

 

But so often I pause just to see if there’s anymore bullshit before we both say, “Buh-bye,” hang up, and commit suicide.  

 

At this point we should commit suicide, no? Either that or get married. Already we’ve been through more than most couples.

 

  “I love you.”

  “I think I do too.”

            “Do you take me to be your lawfully wedded husband, or—?”

            “Yeah. What do you think about—?”

 “Also yeah.”

   “Okay, well—have a good one.”

   Together: “Buh-bye.”

 

The sick part is, I don’t have an answer. I have no better antidote to the buh-bye epidemic than you do. So at this point I think I’m just going to say take care, have a good one, thank you, you’re welcome, thanks again, what?, oh, no problem, you too.

 

 

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