In response to Paul Dickinson's "Are Vitamins Even Real?”- his migratory compadres in West Village, and part-time body builders everywhere, let me be the first to say, good for you. As Socrates once said: “It is a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable,” and whether you achieve that through the 75 Hard Challenge, a subscription to Athletic Greens, or sexual abstinence to increase testosterone, I salute you. But, if I may, allow me to introduce a more exciting, more proven, and more direct method to achieving your aspirations of peak physicality, albeit slightly more infamous: anabolic androgenic steroids.

 

Aromatizing, juicing, blending - what do all these culinary-inclined action words have in common? If you guessed SAT words for this year’s Certified Sommelier Examination, you unfortunately are wrong. They actually are but a taste of a larger codex of slang, colloquialisms, and verbage relating to illegal steroid use (that’s right, this panacea of gains is, despite all Arnold Schwarzneggers’s time in office, still against the law). If this is your first time around the block, let me be perfectly clear: we are discussing performance-enhancing steroids, man-made testosterone that helps build bigger muscles.

 

Odds are you’re not a professional athlete, so what’s stopping you from jumping on the juice? “But Cam, your balls will shrivel up!” Yeah, and Shaq’s wife is 5’7. Juxtaposition is everything. And on that note, compared to cocaine (the real adversary of West Village → West Hampton nomads), steroids are a walk in the park.

 

Now let’s take a journey into the illustrious career of San Francisco resident Barry Bonds, in order to explore the efficacy of anabolics. Before setting Strava records on Bay Area bike rides, this notorious athlete was breaking home run records for the San Francisco Giants. For the first 12 years of Bonds’ career, he averaged 31 home runs per season, without PEDs. Now enter gym candy. The decade after this 12-year stint of innocence, Bonds' average home runs per season increased 25%, with a season high 73 home runs in 2001, knocking the MLB record out of the park. Does the juice work? Well, the proof is in the pudding.

 

To wrap things up, I leave you with one final sports analogy: “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” and if that shot is a shot of trenbolone acetate, then you my friend, are missing way more shots than I am taking. Paul Dickinson, you asked which product would fast track you to a Chris Hemsworth bod in as little time as possible. Here is my answer: Do as Wayne Gretzky does, except also take steroids.

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If you enjoyed today’s moot, please consider donating to The Alzheimer’s Association, Cam’s charity of choice.