Neil Tollfree

As a spider, I believe you are all definitely more afraid of me than I am of you.

Alright? I’m that fairly big spider sat up in the corner of your kitchen and, I’ve got to tell you, you are loads more afraid of me than I am of you.

I’m not sure who told you that me, a spider, is more frightened of you than you are of me. Was it your mum? It’s usually people’s mums. Doesn’t matter. It’s, seriously, absolute balls. I mean, look at the state of you, you are absolutely bricking it. 

You’re way over there on the other side of the room, you’re pressed up against the wall, edging along the wall to the door. You’re gripping that magazine- Is that meant to be some sort of weapon? Really? Well, I don’t know, man. If you were going to hit me then you’re going to need to get within hitting distance and I’m really not sure I see that happening.

Hey, there you go, escaped from the kitchen there. Nicely done, mate. Very impressive. But, let’s be clear, just because you weren’t literally paralysed with fear, it really doesn’t mean that I’m more afraid of you than you are of me. I mean, look, you’ve literally ceded your kitchen to me. You’re going to have to go out and get something greasy and horrible for your dinner, and I’m going to sit here all warm and nice and eat a fly.

It’s weird, this whole ‘they’re more scared of you than you are of them’ thing that mums cook up. I get that it’s sort of a comfort, but it’s just patently bollocks. Apart from anything else, spiders, we’re insects. Well, alright, arachnids.

Anyway, spiders or arachnids, we don’t really have the concept of fear. We’ve got these really, really tiny brains so we act largely in instinct. Fear is a complex emotion that would need to take into account threat, evaluation, power and all these sorts of concepts. Don’t have the brains for all that.

So, if we don’t have a concept of fear, how can we be more afraid of you than you are of us?

Also, currently, you’re shitting it so much, you won’t even come back in your kitch-

Woah, what? Wooooah. Ow. Bloody hell. How did you-

Okay. Came in the kitchen the other way there. Cunning. Didn’t see that coming, and, if I’m honest, very slick work knocking me onto the floor with the broom handle there.

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But, look, doesn’t change anything, does it? You’re still terrified, and I’m still not. I’m just going to scuttle into this crack and chill for a bit.

Wait. What? Is that- No, not the insect spray? Oh, you absolute bastard.

Arrggh! Arrgh Alright. You got me. I’m dying. Jackie, I always loved you. Arrgh.

At least…I wasn’t….at least I wasn’t a slave to fear.

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