I know what you’re going to say, so let’s just get it out of the way.

 

I’m not hot, hot-adjacent, or even “Adam Driver hot” (where you’re objectively not hot, but people will argue you are).

 

Luckily for us, you’re not hot either, so let’s discuss our common enemy.

 

First, think about every problem you’ve ever had, and understand that being hot would’ve solved it.

 

Diabetic? If you spent more time trying to be hot instead of setting Dominos on speed-dial, it wouldn’t have happened.

 

Broke? Not when your OnlyFans is bringing in 5k a month.

 

Never learned to swim? It’s a scientific fact that hot people are saved faster than the average person, so they can just leap into any body of water without a care in the world.

 

Hot people have been at the apex of every civilization to walk the Earth. They reach that point by achieving the backbreaking feat of being born that way, and then hone their craft by wearing sunscreen and brushing their teeth. It’s a hall pass for anything you could want. You could be responsible for killing 4% of an entire country’s population, only for people less than 100 years later to fawn over your photos like it’s the cover of Teen Beat (see - young Joseph Stalin).

 

And what about us? No one’s sending us drinks from across the bar, or writing us love songs, or buying our used underwear. We get told by our mother that there’s someone for everyone before reinstalling Hinge for the third time in as many days. The world becomes a dark, cold place, so you turn to therapy to work through your problems.

 

Only to get put on a waiting list for two months because Stacy broke her nail the other day, or Chad misses eating carbs.

 

Where’s the justice? Why do these beautiful people get to hoard resources that should be reserved for the less aesthetically fortunate? All of their problems can be fixed in 5 minutes or less. Oh Jessica, you’re upset that your Dad cheated on your Mom and now you miss having him around? I can find you ten men in an hour who would love to be your Daddy. What’s that Brayden, you got paralyzed from the waist down and have to be in a wheelchair for the rest of your life? I’ll set up your “#imtryingwheeliehard” inspirational TikTok channel that will go viral in two days time.

 

Now listen, I’m not saying that hot people don’t deserve access to therapy - I know that a lifetime of wanting for nothing can start to take its toll. But let’s face it, it’s time that they got a taste of what the rest of us put up with on the daily. Let someone stop holding the door just a few seconds too soon. Let that open treadmill next to theirs at the gym stay that way. 

 

By the time they actually get to therapy, they’ll realize just how good they really have it.

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