The eardrum-shattering foot thong menace of a shoe has got to go. Sorry Old Navy with your large array of colorful flip flops. Sorry old men with so much foot hair I could knit a baby’s blanket. Sorry to my sister who insists they’ll “always be in style.” Get. Rid. Of. Flip. Flops.

 

I’m aware I can’t come out the bat with such a strong opinion and not give justified reasonings why I shouldn’t hear clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop from a mile away. First and foremost, they do not match any outfit. If you insist otherwise, I encourage you to look through any fashion magazine or at any Instagram post because you will see an abundant absence of flip flops. Grow up and buy some nice sandals or god forbid something that will stay on your foot for longer than 17 steps.

 

“But Francesca, they’re perfect for the beach,” and I hear you! But let’s actually talk about flip flops at the beach… The rubber soles get boiling hot when you keep them in the sun too long. Plus, when you’re post-fresh-swim and have to go get a snack or go to the bathroom, we all know when you put on your flip flops and walk through the sand, that awful clip clop clip clop clip clop motion flicks sand up your calves, knee pits, and hamstrings like a million tiny little ants slingshotting themselves at your damp legs. 

 

Lastly, you can never get angry at someone if you are wearing flip flops. How could you, with your whole chest, yell at someone and tell them off then go to stomp away but sound like a child clicking their tongue to the tune of a nursery rhyme? No one will take you seriously. Well, at least I won’t take you seriously.

 

Bottom line is, no one should wear flip flops past the age of 7. Don’t make flip flops past a size 4 or 5. When you grow out of them physically, then you’ve grown out of them forever. Do yourself and everyone within earshot (and eyeshot) of your feet a favor and go to Target and buy a real pair of sandals.

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