My fellow humans, a day dedicated to lying, as usual we have outdone ourselves. With the possible exception of Star Wars loving idiots saying, “May the 4th be with you.” April Fools’ Day is the most obscene, asinine day we’ve dreamt up for no reason at all as a species. We should ban the practice of purposely telling lies on April Fools’ Day moving forward, with any offenders having their rights to access the internet or speak to other humans revoked for a minimum of one year.

 

You are likely familiar with the day in question. April 1st or April Fools’ Day is a day dedicated to what we often refer to as practical jokes or pranks. A practical joke suggests there should be humor. Does any of this sound humorous:

 

Dear spouse, I’m cheating on you…or am I? April fools!

 

Dear son, I’m having chest pains and am on my way to the hospital…or am I? April fools!

 

Dear madam, the battery on your $1500 phone will begin to lose its functionality within a year…oh wait, that one is true.

 

The confusion for a simple gag isn’t worth it. If you want to be a liar, choose one of the other 364 days a year you can do it. April 1st is too sensitive. In the US, we are just coming out of the horrid darkness and freeze of winter. The last thing we need are roaming packs of wild assholes trying to confuse us while our eyes adjust to the newfound glare of spring sunshine.

 

According to the infallible resource History.com 1582 is possibly the year April Fools became a thing. Do you know what else was going on in the 16th century? The legal human slave trade was thriving, and physicians were mostly practicing bloodletting to maintain a balance of your body’s humors if you were ill. I think we can all agree that what happened in 1582 should stay in 1582.

 

Furthermore, April Fools’ Day is a gateway drug for lying. Are we trying to tell kids it’s OK to lie one day of the year? Let me tell you, lying is thrilling and can quickly become addicting. Lying is the crystal meth of behaviors. One minute you’re lying to your kids about winning ten dollars on a scratch off lottery ticket, thirty years later that same child is now watching as you’re being indicted as the next iteration of Bernie Madoff running a trillion-dollar Ponzi scheme. Congrats mom, you did great on those April Fools’ pranks. 

 

If we can’t all get on the same page and cancel April Fools’ Day then for all future April Fools’ Days I’ve caught COVID and can’t make it to anything involving social interactions…or have I?

​

If you enjoyed today’s moot, follow Victor on Twitter. If you are feeling generous, consider donating to the Colorectal Cancer Alliance, Victor’s charity of choice.